..HAH. gaaaaayy.

some guy said he would "crush our domes" and send us on our ways, yesterday while i was tubing with some friends. it was neat. we ate gigantic steaks afterwards, so i'm glad he didn't.

the steaks were huge.

i promised my gramma i would wear a helmet when i went tubing, but i didn't.

the story goes.

i think i thought that i would never begin to be where i am.
it's real fucking life.
i want to hate you so badly.

lobsters rule!

i was just thinking about this thing natalie always used to say. and then she came on to msn for the first time in a long time so i talked to her. that was nice. it's always good to catch up with people.

the only ride back to abbotsford i could get from work today was all the way across town. god damn that was a long walk. but i saw some cool things to steal, so it wasn't completly boring.

nick cave fucking rules!

one order i did at work today had 1500 lbs of water softening salts today. it made me sweat quite profusely.

for lack of anything better to do, i'm going to go weigh myself. 212 pounds. i like when my weight is also a palindrome. rat dna and tar!

i'm going to watch simpsons.

he stops and he stares. maybe he just likes our chairs.

wipeout!!!

da na na na na na na na nah...
na na na na na na na na nah!!
da na na na na na na na nah.
na na na na na na na na nah!!!

i'm listening to new world on fire right now. man i miss those guys. i actually should see shawn in a week or so. he and rikkdo went to alberta for a month and a bit. i miss them a lot.

ben and i laughed as hard as i ever have in our lives the other night. matt bought a case of beer and we were sitting in the backyard talking and we got on the subject of how when ben and i were living together we had that toilet seat thing that sat you a foot and a half above the toilet. and then matt went on to tell a tale of his grampa who had one with wheels and at one point he asked matt to pull him up the coquihalla on it. i just got this radical picture in my head of matt with a rope over his shoulder running up the higway pulling an old naked scrony guy who was crapping all over the pavement. maybe you just had to be there, but god damn, was it ever funny.

i'm gonna go for now because i'm talking to jacquie. later.

scantrons everywhere!

i got carpel tunnel last week. so i got that going for me.

the more i think about it, the more i want people to say 'can of whoop ass' more often. but not me. i can't pull it off very well.

i think i'm in a good place right now, but i'm still not totally sure. and that's frusterating. frusterating enough to make believe i'm not in a good place yet. it makes sense. trust me.

the management at work are bricks. they've made us work madatory 12-14 hour dasy for the last week and a half because they didn't schedule enough guys to get the work done on time for each day. friggin hell, i'm beat. but on the bright side the wcb from this job will cover my carpel tunnel splints (see paragraph one).

i haven't gone to a show in a long time, except one that a church put on at the end of august. it was really wierd because it was all pop, chips and parents. i talked to one of the people on the commitee who put on the show. i'll paraphrase his side of the conversation. probably more ostentatious than he meant to be, but still, this is what i took from it:

"we thought we should be the ones to take the iniative to create and govern a community of musicians and music lovers. they could probably do it themselves, but they might run into problems like drugs, alcohol, open minds, swearing and mosh pits. nope. no moshing-about while jesus is in charge."

i don't really know why the atmosphere seemed so artificial. i can speculate a few reasons. the first of which, i'll admit, is pretty obtuse on my part. walking through that door i suspected, and later confirmed, that it was a christian group putting on the show. who else could seem that seperated from the art and music, and remain so crypticly focused on the people walking through the door? and the only reason that really drives me insane, is sir isaac newton's third law. i could see their minds contrive every detail of my life in a split second; as quickly as it took me do the exact same. why does it bother me so much then? to a person who thinks they know everything, it sucks to know that you really don't.

the second reason i felt so awkward was the fact that there wasn't a single moment i could feel like i wasn't being monitered. everytime i would light a cigarette, like clockwork a church-mom would be at my side, eager to discuss the harm i was doing to myself. hoping to slip under the radar, josh, thomas and i sat along the wall near the back of the hall where we became subject to the most ascendant pointed finger i have ever seen. the concession booth apparantly doubled as a classification booth too.

the third reason that this was the most backward and pathetic show i have ever been to, virtually everyone can identify with: edited rage against the machine cover songs.

baaaaadd!

ok.....dinner. gotta jet.
i love you all.

it never quits

i hope i'm rich one day, because right now i can't afford happiness or peanut buster parfaits.

the biggest clue to suggest the total eradication of written english is turning 'ok' into 'k' to save time. i believe that full heartedly.

well ben and jacy just got here so that's all.

aw peaches...

don't read this if you're looking for something to stop your boredom. this will probably have to be pretty tedious.

well i am at a loss as to where to start. my whole life since that last post has changed monumentally. i am a different person than i was two months ago. with the same school-boyish charm that i've always...fuck that. it's pretty bogus to be in a place that i still linger around looking for the past in a lot of ways, while i still curse it for causing such anguish. basically...nope. ha, i'm never going to say 'basically' again. in many respects i'm optimistic about some emotional blows i've endured. i am encouraged by the amount of pain and suffering that has been stewing in me. it may seem ass-backwards to see it that way - and i would have thought so too in many instances - but i can assure myself now that any hardship i ever face will eventually only hurt about 60% as much as it did at first. seriously, none of this is to say that i've been able to put this problem to the back burner. i still miss katie as much as i did when i took that two and a half year drive down hazel st. i knew it wouldn't be easy to get over the consuming love i found. i worked my ass off to try and disect and understand every particular detail of that post-relationship relationship. i did so, very poorly, and ended up burning bridges that i didn't know existed.

none of this is over, to any degree, but i can now find peace in some aspects of it.

i am not a jerk, i swear to god. i honestly am conciously helpful and considerate as much as i can be. my hope is that some time soon karma kicks in and i'm pumped up on life again.

the rut that i'm in is so defined: the love i know i can give, if someone will let me; work and work ethics that seem to show me slowly becoming something great or something you kick to the streets; 40 - 60 unwelcome years ahead of me; my twentieth goddamn birthday for christ sake. i've acomplished jackshit. i don't know, the worst part of this whole bloody mess is that i can't keep my thoughts straight anymore. this was supposed to be half inspirational, now i'm just depressed again.

fuck it. there's some good in the bad. it's true. i'm just too bummed out to explain it right now. here's a song i sing to myself at work sometimes when i'm pissed off. and don't make fun of me because of it. it's fucking hard to be upbeat sometimes, you dick.

I’m looking out my window,
I can see all the good and the bad,
And I’m trying to be thankful,
For all the past fortunes I’ve had,
I’m standing at the window,
Trying to stay off the ledge,
’Cause when you’re drawn to the window,
You’re also drawn to the edge.

If there’s a hole in your soul,
Think about it as though,
It’s nothing more than a window,
And you can look deep within,
Then start to begin,
To repair what damage there is.

I’m staring into the window,
I can see my pain in its pane,
I’m trapped inside the window,
Encased in its frame,
I’m trying to open the window,
Pushing against the glass,
Is it a passage to the future,
or a portal to the past?